“Creativity and ego cannot go together. If you free yourself from the comparing and jealous mind, your creativity opens up endlessly.” Jeong Kwan
So, this statement was a powerful one for me.
I used to only think of egotism in the sense of one having an inflated ego. An image comes to mind of an overly confidant or arrogant person with a distorted sense of self who maybe overestimates their competence or is far too attached to the idea of being the best in some way. And this is a version of egotism that can exist.
However, I’ve come to understand that ego is a bit trickier than that. Ego is at play when we inflate, but it is also at play when we deflate. When we are hung up on all the ways that we don’t measure up. When we think or believe the foolish and false idea that we are not enough. It’s a continuum; different symptoms of the same condition.
I never would have considered that ego was a problem that I had. I figured, I don't even feel comfortable accepting compliments; I couldn't have an ego. How can I have an ego and low self-esteem? But it seems to me that basing our self-worth on the premise of how we compare to others or how we think others see us is a problem. As is defining our self-worth by how good or bad we are at a given craft.
Eventually, our ego will lead us to the core question of “am I enough?” And depending on the standards we set for ourselves or the comparisons we make, that is likely to lead us to a painful place.
Now, I’m not here to oversimplify, and, of course, this question of “am I enough?” is a deep one (spoiler alert: YOU ARE). I’ve been working on this question for some time myself, and all I can say is thank goodness for therapy. But I do feel that ego plays a role in this, especially for those among us who have dedicated our lives to the creative arts.
Comparison and judgment are rampant in the arts. And these things can be sneaky. They can seep into your mind and steer you into all sorts of directions that may not even resonate with you. They might even have you tossing out great work because you’re too deep in the hole to see things clearly.
Now there is hope in all of this and Jeong Kwan really tapped into it in a very clear and beautifully simple way. (A little note: the above quote was actually from an episode of Chef’s Table that featured Jeong Kwan. I highly recommend checking it out!)
That part of our mind that compares and measures and judges is not doing us any favors, and it is also not something that we have to carry forever.
It is a pattern we can overcome with practice as long as we are kind to ourselves and patient with our progress. It will, of course, be a long journey, and we may never get it perfect, but since when was perfection ever really the point?
And I can say that as you embrace this idea and do this work, your creativity truly will start to open up. I have experienced it. I am experiencing it. And although I am sure there is still much to go in this journey, it has already had a profound effect in my life creatively and otherwise.
I’m learning to share my music with pride. Not because I think it is the most perfect or better than some other artist, but because it is something that I created with passion and joy. A snapshot of where I was and who I am. And that is more than enough.
I will certainly be continuing on this path toward releasing my ego and embracing the creative process in all of its beautiful imperfection. Perhaps I will see you on this journey someday as well.